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A Couple’s Primer – Maintaining Intimacy while going through Infertility Treatment

June 10, 2008 - Tuesday
8:00 PM to 9:00 PM (EST)
Guest Speakers: Lisa Schuman, C.S.W.

Categories


[Tue Jun 10 16:24:04 PDT 2008] Lisa_Schuman joined.
[Tue Jun 10 16:25:48 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanHi
[Tue Jun 10 16:46:08 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanHi
[Tue Jun 10 16:53:28 PDT 2008] Corey_Whelan joined.
[Tue Jun 10 16:53:39 PDT 2008] Corey_WhelanHi Lisa
[Tue Jun 10 16:53:52 PDT 2008] Corey_WhelanWe start in about seven minutes
[Tue Jun 10 16:54:35 PDT 2008] Corey_Whelan To[Private] Lisa_SchumanLisa, if you need to type to me privately you can do so by clicking on my name
[Tue Jun 10 16:54:56 PDT 2008] Lisa_Schuman To[Private] Corey_WhelanVery cool.
[Tue Jun 10 16:55:01 PDT 2008] Corey_Whelan To[Private] Lisa_Schumanbut please keep in mind that anything that you type will automatically appear in the transcript irregardless
[Tue Jun 10 16:55:09 PDT 2008] Corey_Whelan To[Private] Lisa_Schumancool is good - especially today!
[Tue Jun 10 16:55:41 PDT 2008] Lisa_Schuman To[Private] Corey_Whelanok, if I have trouble I will call you. My computer got stuck a couple of times in the last week but I have a back up laptop just in case. Hopefully I wont need it.
[Tue Jun 10 16:55:59 PDT 2008] Corey_Whelan To[Private] Lisa_Schumanok, good. relax, we have about five minutes
[Tue Jun 10 16:56:08 PDT 2008] Lisa_Schuman To[Private] Corey_Whelanok
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[Tue Jun 10 17:00:59 PDT 2008] Corey_WhelanWelcome. Tonight we are very happy to have Lisa Schuman, CSW, as our guest speaker.
[Tue Jun 10 17:01:00 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanI am here.
[Tue Jun 10 17:02:01 PDT 2008] Corey_WhelanMs. Schuman will be on hand to answer your questions about maintaining an intimate relationaship (and possiby your sanity!) while trying to have a baby.
[Tue Jun 10 17:02:25 PDT 2008] Corey_WhelanWelcome Allison. I know that you like to hold back, but please feel free to post any questions that you have
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[Tue Jun 10 17:04:21 PDT 2008] May246Hi all. I have a question - my dh and I only seem to have sex now during my so called fertile time. Is this typical? We are currently doing our third round of IUI's
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[Tue Jun 10 17:06:04 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanIt is typical. And not enjoyable usually. Its such a difficult time. One of my pts told me that it is like having the stuffing taken out of you. Its hard to find joy and excitement when you are so depleted and focused on something that is so out of your control.
[Tue Jun 10 17:06:42 PDT 2008] May246but I used to actually like sex and I really don't anymore and the truth is, I don't think he does either. Could it be the hormones that I'm taking?
[Tue Jun 10 17:08:44 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanThe hormones make everything worse but it is not unusual for people to feel very depressed when going through infertility treatment and when you feel depressed its hard to find anything enjoyable. Also, sex is, of course associated with baby making so its so difficult to just have sex for fun when you want a baby so much.
[Tue Jun 10 17:09:16 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanDoes anyone else have this experience?
[Tue Jun 10 17:09:45 PDT 2008] May246I know that makes sense and I've heard it before and read it too of course. But what should I do to try to fix it. I want the relationship with my husband - my life - to work. More than I want a baby.
[Tue Jun 10 17:10:21 PDT 2008] May246It's just that we used to be happy. And I miss being happy
[Tue Jun 10 17:10:59 PDT 2008] jduringtonWe've definitely experienced the same thing--although it can be exciting once in a while when we Know I'm not ovulating--to know that we're doing it "just for fun"!
[Tue Jun 10 17:12:19 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanIts great that you have that perspective. For some its hard to even realize that their relationship is first..and sometimes things that are important need to be focused on, even when we dont want to. So, if possible, it would be helpful to do some of the things you liked to do before all this treatment. You can add date nights, candles, weekends away if possible, a picnic on the floor, romantic evenings out, etc...
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[Tue Jun 10 17:14:06 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanIs it possible to have "just for fun" sex nights. They dont even need to include intercourse (so there is no pressure). Just back rubs, cuddles, candle light dinners etc..Even if it just leads to kissing thats fine. What you want is the intimacy back.
[Tue Jun 10 17:15:20 PDT 2008] Corey_WhelanThat's great advice. I've always wondered if the divorce rate is higher among couples who have gone through this experience. It is very stressful on a marriage. Even the best marriages.
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[Tue Jun 10 17:16:03 PDT 2008] JDHi all.
[Tue Jun 10 17:16:15 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanI agree. How long have all of you been married and did you want to get pregnant right away? Were you and your partner in agreement?
[Tue Jun 10 17:17:15 PDT 2008] JDI have a question - I'm 37 and ttc with my second husband - I have a 7 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We have male factor issues and this is really upsetting him. Any ideas? I want to make him feel not quite so bad about the whole situation.
[Tue Jun 10 17:17:57 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanWhat is ttc? I am showing my age.
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[Tue Jun 10 17:18:04 PDT 2008] JDtrying to conceive
[Tue Jun 10 17:18:48 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanOh. Does he talk about feeling badly about it? When you ask him how he feels what does he say/
[Tue Jun 10 17:20:33 PDT 2008] JDnot so much. He's just - changed - I know he wants a child of his own in our marriage since my ex is very involved with my daughter. He just seems to have a hard time dealing with doctor's appts, specimens, all of that. We did ICSI once and it didn't take. I honestly don't know if I want to keep going because of the strain (and money too). But I want him to be happy and give him what he wants.
[Tue Jun 10 17:20:55 PDT 2008] JDI suggested couples therapy but he said no
[Tue Jun 10 17:21:45 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanSo he doesnt tell you how he feels about it? Do you want another child?
[Tue Jun 10 17:22:40 PDT 2008] JDHonestly I did want another child and I would be happy to get pregnant but this is an awful lot of work and stress to have another baby. If it happened naturally I would be thrilled but this is exhausting
[Tue Jun 10 17:23:21 PDT 2008] JDDon't get me wrong - i would love to have his baby - it's just very stressful and I feel like it is taking a toll on both of us
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[Tue Jun 10 17:25:02 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanWell then you may just want to be direct with him. You could tell him that you want a child with him but you dont want the stress and expense of trying to hurt your relationship so you will leave it up to him to tell you what he wants and what pace he is comfortable with at this point. It can be very empowering for him to be in charge of the process. Especially since a male factor issue can make him feel weak and less of a man.
[Tue Jun 10 17:25:35 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanHow do you all feel about what we are discussing here?
[Tue Jun 10 17:25:42 PDT 2008] JDuncomfortable
[Tue Jun 10 17:26:00 PDT 2008] aglickptMy issues are somewhat different.
[Tue Jun 10 17:26:44 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanJD..what makes you uncomfortable? Is it something I said?
[Tue Jun 10 17:27:00 PDT 2008] Lisa_Schumanaglickpt what is happening with you?
[Tue Jun 10 17:27:10 PDT 2008] JDno, you're right. I'm just unhappy with the situation and trying to figure a way to the next level
[Tue Jun 10 17:27:42 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanWhat would the next level be?
[Tue Jun 10 17:28:07 PDT 2008] JDeither pregnant or no longer trying to get pregnant.
[Tue Jun 10 17:28:49 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanDo you feel okay with him leading the course?
[Tue Jun 10 17:28:58 PDT 2008] aglickptI had a daughter after many years of infertility and we have been trying for #2 with no luck after 2 years...the money has run out for IVF and I just had surgery to remove scar tissue from my uterus (Asherman's) for the 2nd time. I am very sad at the prospect of not having a sibling for my daughter. My husband, although he has not verbalized it, I think would be happy with just my daughter. I would pursue private domestic adoption but he is not in the same place as me.
[Tue Jun 10 17:29:01 PDT 2008] JDyes, absolutely
[Tue Jun 10 17:29:14 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanHe may too.
[Tue Jun 10 17:29:33 PDT 2008] JDgot it, thanks
[Tue Jun 10 17:29:47 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanYoure welcome.
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[Tue Jun 10 17:30:32 PDT 2008] Lisa_Schumanaglickpt--and all..its not uncommon, as we see for two people to be on different pages in their attempt to have a baby.
[Tue Jun 10 17:31:41 PDT 2008] aglickptI was in this place with the 1st and we finally decided to adopt and then during the process I became pregnant. Somehow, my husband is no longer ok with adopting. I think he is afraid of mixing a biological child with an adoptive one.
[Tue Jun 10 17:32:26 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanOne wants to continue treatment, one wants to adopt or one wants donor egg and the other doesnt. Its very hard to deal with, especially since its often the first time both people in the couple feel so differently about something. It can shatter your hopes of what you thought your relationship should be but dont despair, knowing you are on different pages is the beginning of getting on the same page.
[Tue Jun 10 17:33:49 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanThere are many families built through birth and adoption and lots of literature on the subject. Its a subject that we have been looking at for 50 years so, unlike donor egg, we really know what happens to kids in different situations and at different times in their lives.
[Tue Jun 10 17:33:50 PDT 2008] aglickptWe have been very open and communcative throughout this process (over 7 years counting the first go around before my daughter) and it has helped tremendously. And suddenly we are diverging in our paths.
[Tue Jun 10 17:35:34 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanCan you discuss and accept that you are on different paths and then talk about how you each feel? You would need to hear each other without trying to convince the other of your position.
[Tue Jun 10 17:35:39 PDT 2008] aglickptHis family too, have not been helpful. They are not in favor of adoption primarily because of anecdotal outcomes of friends with "problem kids" becoming "problem adults" I don't believe in that and I think my husband is also with me on this. However, I think his dad influences him a bit.
[Tue Jun 10 17:36:21 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanIs it important for you to adopt or would you consider donor egg?
[Tue Jun 10 17:36:42 PDT 2008] aglickptI think we can and we have in the past. Another factor is the financial end of it. I want to move ahead and my husband want to recoup from the financial hole we are in from IVF,
[Tue Jun 10 17:37:45 PDT 2008] aglickptDonor egg is not an option for us both from a financial standpoint and from a ideological standpoint. We both feel it is either all of us or none of us. It is not that important that I be pregnant...Just to have the chance to be a mother again.
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[Tue Jun 10 17:38:47 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanWell adoption is the best bet for your money if its about finances since the success rate is 100%. Can you come up with a plan to borrow the money and figure out a payment plan..to yourself or someone else?
[Tue Jun 10 17:39:30 PDT 2008] aglickptIt is a possibility. There is also a $10,000 tax credit you receive at the end of the year for adoption.
[Tue Jun 10 17:39:41 PDT 2008] aglickptThey should think about that for IVF too.
[Tue Jun 10 17:39:59 PDT 2008] Lisa_Schumanyes that is true and once the baby is here the money seems to mean a lot less.
[Tue Jun 10 17:40:17 PDT 2008] aglickptIt certainly did with my daughter.
[Tue Jun 10 17:40:44 PDT 2008] jduringtonwhen we got married, it was with the understanding that I probably couldn't have children, as I had gone through unsuccessful fertility treatments with my first husband. Then, six weeks after we were married--SURPRISE!--I found out I was pregnant. That pregnancy ended in miscarriage. We've been trying ever since, with no success. Now we're trying to figure out how far we can go--financially, emotionally and ethically.
[Tue Jun 10 17:41:02 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanJulia, Moira, rosa any thoughts?
[Tue Jun 10 17:41:12 PDT 2008] aglickptI think I need to give my husband some time to be in the same place as me. He came around once...I am hopeful he will come around again. Thanks Lisa!
[Tue Jun 10 17:41:33 PDT 2008] moiraSorry I just joined and am trying to get caught up
[Tue Jun 10 17:42:16 PDT 2008] Lisa_Schumanjdurington--im so sorry to hear that. You must be feeling horrible.
[Tue Jun 10 17:43:28 PDT 2008] Lisa_Schumanaflickpt--you may also want to tell him that you respect and understand his feelings and ideas and want to hear more about how he feels and what he is thinking. The more he feels heard the less he is likely to really dig in his heels.
[Tue Jun 10 17:44:30 PDT 2008] moiraI had an ectopic pregnancy earlier this year after trying for 2 years and had several months of being not allowed to have sex. Now that we finally can, it just doesn't seem the same and we don't really know what to do to get back the intimacy that we shared before having to end the pregnancy. Any suggestions?
[Tue Jun 10 17:46:17 PDT 2008] jduringtonafter my miscarriage it was really a matter of fear and guilt--the timing of when we learned we had lost the baby made my husband believe deep down that having intercourse during the pregnancy had caused the miscarriage
[Tue Jun 10 17:47:17 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanThere are many things to try. As I mentioned earlier, its good to talk about the elephant in the room and establish how you both feel. Then you can begin to have date nights, special evenings and times where intimacy is the goal, not the sex. Foot or back rubs, candles, music are all nice and even if it just ends in kissing you are starting to get the romance back and that is what is so important.
[Tue Jun 10 17:48:24 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanAlso..something I didnt mention...effort. It takes effort to have a date night, to arrange something special for each other etc, especially when you dont feel like it but it is so important to put that extra effort into your relationship.
[Tue Jun 10 17:48:58 PDT 2008] moiraPart of our problem has been that for awhile my husband assigned blame to me. He was so excited and I had said that we needed to be cautious so when something went wrong he thought it was my fault. He has long since abandoned that idea after we spent a lot of time talking about what had happened. I totally agree about making the effort, we have both within the last week really started trying to get back to where we were and that has helped some.
[Tue Jun 10 17:49:10 PDT 2008] jduringtonit took a long time for him to feel ok about it again. Even now, if I were to become pregnant again I'm not sure he would be very comfortable with intercourse. We both know logically that it had nothing to do with the miscarriage, but he still had a VERY hard time with it.
[Tue Jun 10 17:50:30 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanThat is not unusual. It is also not unusual for either partner to think that they did something to lose the pregnancy. Its a way, albeit upsetting, of dealing with the feelings of not having control. Our bodies have a difficult time not being in control and so sometimes our bodies find ways of making sense of it all.
[Tue Jun 10 17:51:40 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanThis is why the romantic evenings and special times together are so important. There needs to be no objective just the objective of being together and doing something nice for each other.
[Tue Jun 10 17:52:53 PDT 2008] moiraI think I'll plan something this weekend (although probably something that doesn't require driving anywhere with gas prices so high). that is a terrific idea. I think I have been leaning on him for so many months it would help to show him how much I really love him.
[Tue Jun 10 17:53:39 PDT 2008] Corey_Whelanguys, we have about five minutes left.
[Tue Jun 10 17:54:45 PDT 2008] moiraThank you so much for your advice! Have a terrific evening smile
[Tue Jun 10 17:55:05 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanYou could even do something at home. A bubble bath or back rub with nice music. Make his favorite meal and eat in bed or on a table cloth on the floor in the living room. Wear something pretty...or nothing. Write love notes and put them in his pocket before he goes to work or send him a love letter to his office.
[Tue Jun 10 17:57:09 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanI am so glad you are all here tonight and involved in helping yourselves. Its very self regarding and important for you and your relationships.
[Tue Jun 10 17:57:20 PDT 2008] AllisonIn a way it's nice to know that the issues we have are so universal. There was a lot of sharing from the heart tonight and I thank you all so much for being here. You are an amazing group of women. Thanks so much, Lisa, for your kind and wise words.
[Tue Jun 10 17:57:38 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanMy pleasure.
[Tue Jun 10 17:57:56 PDT 2008] jduringtonLisa, thank you for your time this evening. Have a great night, everyone!
[Tue Jun 10 17:58:13 PDT 2008] moiraGood night! I'm glad I caught the end of this discussion
[Tue Jun 10 17:58:29 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanGood luck everyone.
[Tue Jun 10 17:58:41 PDT 2008] Corey_WhelanCould not possibly have put it better myself. Thanks so much to all of you.
[Tue Jun 10 17:59:09 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanAnd thanks to you Corey.
[Tue Jun 10 17:59:13 PDT 2008] Corey_WhelanWe at The American Fertility Association are so lucky to have speakers like Lisa come out to talk to us.
[Tue Jun 10 17:59:39 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanI appreciate that, im glad to be part of the AFA.
[Tue Jun 10 17:59:45 PDT 2008] Corey_WhelanYou are truly a wise woman! As are all of you. I wish you all so very very much luck
[Tue Jun 10 18:00:05 PDT 2008] Corey_WhelanGood night guys. Till next week, sweet dreams and days
[Tue Jun 10 18:00:13 PDT 2008] Lisa_SchumanGood night.
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